Monday, October 15, 2012

We’re Shakin’ Cause The Economy’s Not Bakin’

Good evening, this is Eugene Roush reporting from the World Economic Speedway.  There is much excitement here because in just a few weeks we will find out if there will be a new driver of the U.S.A. car or if people will decide to stick with the current operator.  I am joined today by renowned NASCAR driver Ricky Bobby of Talladega Nights fame.

Eugene: First we are going to talk to current driver Bearleft Orama.  Bearleft, how do you think you have performed as a driver the last four years?

Bearleft: I have driven the car just great.  I’ve put my foot on the accelerator and kept the car on the right course.  I am an excellent driver and absolutely deserve to continue driving for the next four years.

Ricky Bobby: How fast you driving this thing?

Bearleft: I’m doing around a 1.3 GDP.

Ricky Bobby: 1.3! I can go faster than 1.3 riding naked on a tricycle!

Eugene: Now don’t exaggerate

Ricky Bobby:  No really, I have.  Want to see the photos?

Eugene: No! -- Bearleft, why are you going so slowly?

Bearleft: The previous operator of the car ran it into the ditch and caused considerable damage.  Me and my team had to repair it and now this is all the faster it will go.

Ricky Bobby: That sounds like you are making some wimpy excuses.  Are you sure that’s all the faster it will go?

Bearleft: Look, I’m trying really hard and I care deeply about going faster.  I know I’m not driving as fast as the Chinese car, but just give me more time and I know I will drive much faster.

Ricky Bobby: Trailing the Chinese? That’s disgraceful. – Look dude, if you ain’t first, you’re last!

Bearleft: Let me be clear: I am a great driver.  If you don’t believe me, just ask me or anyone on my team. I’m the best there is, plain and simple.  When I wake up in the morning, I whiz excellence.

Ricky Bobby: Hey, that’s my line! (Actual line from the movie: I p*** excellence.)

Bearleft: Not anymore. I’m the king of this track!

Eugene: Now let’s talk to the man challenging Bearleft for the opportunity to drive the U.S.A car for the next four years, Richie Richney.

Ricky Bobby: Those are interesting drivin’ gloves you got there.

Richie:  Oh these aren’t driving gloves; these are my silk driving mittens. They’re from France!

Eugene: Are you sure the people will accept a driver wearing such expensive “mittens”?

Richie:  Why not?  Underneath the mittens, my hands are human, just like theirs, although with a much better manicure.

Eugene: Do you think you can drive the U.S.A. car faster than 1.3 GDP?

Richie:  Are you serious? My grandmother could go faster than 1.3 GDP. In fact all 12 of my grandmothers could drive faster than that!

Ricky Bobby: You got 12 grandmothers? How is that possible? Your grandfather must have been a real tomcat!

Eugene: Why do you believe you would be a better driver than Bearleft Orama?

Richie: I’ve had lots of experience driving smaller cars on other tracks.  I drove the Bain car and had it zooming really fast.  I drove the Olympic car to victory and I once drove the Massachusetts car on the American circuit.

Eugene: How are you going to get the car to go faster?

Richie:  I plan to put high octane fuel in the tank and to take off all the restructure plates.

Eugene: Can you give us more details?

Richie: Uh, no I can’t.

Eugene: How about you Bearleft, what is your plan?

Bearleft: Plan? I don’t really need a plan.  Remember, I whiz excellence.  Just watch me!

Richie: Oh yeah?  I can whiz excellence too! Only faster!

Eugene: Run Ricky Bobby! It’s turned into a giant whizzing contest!

Ricky Bobby: Shake and Bake! I just wish I would have brought my rain coat!

Eugene: Ricky Bobby, what happens if neither Bearleft Orama or Richie Richney can drive the U.S.A. car any faster?

Ricky Bobby: Then it’s time to pray to that little baby, in that little manger…… 

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