Monday, October 11, 2010

Story Time: Featuring Sammy Sublime, Billy Banker, and the return of Pooh Bear

Sammy Sublime Yearns for the Past

There once was guy named Sammy Sublime. Sammy lived life to the fullest. He drove luxurious sports cars; he wore expensive suits, ate the finest foods, drank exotic liqueurs, smoked big cigars and lived in a Mc Mansion. This flashy lifestyle naturally attracted extensive female attention. Sammy choose for his main squeeze one Valerie Vapid. Valerie was drop dead gorgeous, a very sexy vixen. She had more curves than a calculus test and was delicious, double “D” delicious, if you get my drift and I know you do. Sammy liked Valerie’s eye candy appeal and Valerie liked all the things that Sammy had.

But Sammy’s lifestyle was all built on cheap credit. He borrowed piles of cash to support his luxuries and when the banks finally realized his game, they cut off all his funds. Sammy’s life came crashing down. He lost his car, he lost his house, and without the bling-bling, he lost Valerie. It turns out that Sammy wasn’t sublime, he was really subprime.

Sammy fell fast and hard on his way to the bottom. He then slowly began to recover and put his life back together. He lived a much simpler and modest lifestyle that matched his income. He even met a woman named Patty Plain. Patty is a very average, pleasant, woman. She is a sensible match for Sammy’s new lifestyle. She isn’t A-List; she’s an “A” cup. She isn’t interested in Sammy for what he has; she is interested in him for what he is. But even though Patty is a nice woman and a perfect match for Sammy, he isn’t interested in a relationship with Patty. He longs for the hot sultriness of Valerie, even though their entire relationship was based on false wealth and deceit.

Billy Banker was Too Big to Fail

Billy Banker was too big to fail. While the other children in third grade read their assignments and did their homework, Billy watched television, played video games and engorged himself on enormous amounts of junk food. He even refused to participate in gym class. While the other children exercised and played sports, Billy just sat on his ever expanding butt.

When the school year ended Billy’s grades were horrible. The teacher had seen many Bankers in her class over the years, but Billy’s performance was exceptionally poor. Any student receiving such poor grades would not pass the class and would have to repeat the third grade, but Billy Banker was too big to fail.

Billy’s poor behavior, the junk food and lack of exercise, had caused him to grow very large. He was almost too heavy for a third grade desk, so new furniture would have to be made to accommodate him. In addition, the third grade classroom was on the second floor of the school house. Already the floor had started to bow under Billy’s tremendous weight. If he was not promoted to the fourth grade classroom on the first floor, it was feared that Billy might crash though the floor and bring the whole school building down with him. Finally, all the junk food had festered in Billy’s digestive system causing him to carry a large amount of toxic gas which he would emit at very inappropriate times. This scared and sickened the other students. The fourth floor classroom had more windows with a better ventilation system and was better able to handle Billy’s eruptions.

So the decision was made to not let Billy fail, but to help him down the stairs to the new classroom. But the principal gave Billy a stern warning. He told Billy that he needed to perform better, to study harder, and to exercise more. He told Billy that he needed to be a better Banker. To help him do that, the principal said he would enact new strict rules for Billy to make sure he improved. This made Billy very sad. Billy’s face got red, he stamped his foot and finally he turned his back to the principal and bent over. The principal quickly relented and said he was just joking about the new rules. Billy gave him a big hug and promised never to act so irresponsibly ever again. Until of course nobody is watching, and it happens again.

Pooh Bear’s New Sports Car

There was a problem in the land of Nectarinia (See July 5 post). There was a recession in the land and the production of honey was down. However, the council in Nectarinia had a plan. The honey refinement factory was powered by a wood-burning furnace. If they could get more wood to the furnace, they could stimulate more honey production and bring the economy out of recession. So they commissioned the Grand Pooh Bear to request funds from the treasury to purchase a new wood hauling truck to carry more wood to the factory. The treasury enthusiastically supported the plan and granted a large amount of funds to the program.

Pooh Bear took the money and went to the lot to purchase the new truck, but then something went horribly wrong. Before he even looked at the truck, he saw a bright, shiny, new, sports car. It was wicked awesome. I could buy this sports car and give all my friends free rides and they would have a great time thought Pooh Bear. They would love me so much for the car rides that they would surely remember it when it was time to decide if I should remain the Grand Pooh Bear. And there would still be room in the trunk to haul wood to the factory.

So the Pooh Bear bought the sports car instead of the truck and spent all his time giving all his friends rides in it. He told the people of Nectarinia how great the sports car was and how happy people were to be getting the free rides. But as a result, not much wood was getting to the factory. Honey production increased, but at a very slow rate.

When the people complained, Pooh Bear told them that what we need is a new truck to haul more wood to the factory to stimulate production. “But didn’t you already buy a truck for that purpose”, the people asked? “Why of course”, said Pooh Bear. “What I meant to say is that we need a second truck to stimulate production.” So Pooh Bear went back to the treasury to get funds to buy the truck. Buy the treasury wizards told him that there were no more funds available for a second vehicle and he would have to make do with the one he had. And so the honey production slowly dripped ahead and the recession continued.