Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Mrs. America Has Some Serious Junk in the Trunk

The completion of the ‘Why You Invest Series" will be delayed again due to all the commotion in the stock market. (You probably are not investing much right now anyway).

Did I really end the last blog with “No need to panic just yet.”?

Well I could argue that there is still no need to panic, but I won’t (until later in this post). Panic and volatility are the driving factors right now.

Back in April I did say we would be fortunate to make it through the year without a correction. But in the past, corrections usually happened over weeks. With computer programmed trading, corrections happen in hours. Computers do happen to trade like Vulcans, unfortunately it’s like Vulcans on meth.

This panic of course resulted from the U.S. credit rating being downgraded by Standard & Poors. (We have no standards and now we’re poor). The administration claimed the downgrade was a mistake because S&P used bad math (not bad meth). That’s sounds like an excuse a fifth-grader uses when he brings home a “D” in History (The teacher used bad math when adding up my grade!).

Of course this administration knows all about bad math. It put together the Obamacare budget so it appears to save us money when it really costs us money. Talk about the lemon calling the banana yellow! (Can’t use the pot-kettle thing without being accused of racism).

But there is really no need to panic. The stock market was getting way ahead of the economy. It was like a deep sea diver going too fast away from his oxygen source. He looked very skilled until he ran out of air and then had to retreat quickly coughing and wheezing until he could breath normally again.

A few months ago I compared the economy to a woman. We’ll what would happen if a man said to his lady: “Your ass is fatter than it used to be. It is not as tight and attractive as your friend Cindy’s.”

There would be some serious panic. There would be some massive volatility. There would be screaming. There would be crying. Objects would be thrown. Things would get broken. If she is an NRA member, shots may be fired. There would be an extreme, emotional, outburst.

However, the intensity and fierceness of the reaction would have absolutely no bearing on the fact that:

1. Her ass is bigger than it used to be.

2. Cindy’s ass is in better shape.

She may call her European cousin for support but her cousin is dealing with her own big, fat, Greek ass and will be of no solace. Yes, her ass has been downgraded. It is no longer considered AAA prime. But once she calms down and looks in the mirror, she will realize that she needs to go on a diet and exercise the glutes.

So Mrs. America has some serious junk in the trunk. America’s ass has been downgraded. It is now fat and flabby and not as prime as say, Canada’s ass. Nice cheeks on me, eh?

We have appointed a 12-member committee to save America’s ass. In my opinion, the committee is too large. In my business career, I have never been on a committee that had more than six members that accomplished anything significant. I think if they put Senators Rob Portman and Max Baucus in a room with Beavis and Butthead they would accomplish more than they will with a big committee. Of course you would have to give Beavis and Butthead some nachos and music videos to keep them occupied while a solution is formulated or you could get the following:

“Hey Beavis, stick some more taxes in the bill. We’re almost out of nachos and we need to buy another bag.”

“I am the great Taxholio. I need nachos for my piehole.”

Let's hope the big, fat, committee does better than this!  But it could be just as entertaining to watch.

We will need to make some serious lifestyle changes to get our ass firm, hard, and back into shape. We need the world to once again leer at our booty and proclaim “baby got (green) back”. This needs to be resolved by the end of the year because we don’t want our buns hanging out of our running shoes when things start moving faster in 2012.

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