Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Ollie, Ollie, In, But Never Free

It was a quiet Saturday afternoon when I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and there stood a very strange looking fellow. He was a large, rotund, man. His face swollen and red, he sort of looked the Michelin man only more bloated.

“Gimme me some money for gas”, he demanded.

“What?” I asked.

“I need money for gas,” he explained. “I thought I had enough gas money to make it home, but when I stopped to buy gas it was so expensive I couldn’t buy enough. So my car stalled out in front of your house.”

He got redder and was wheezing as he spoke.

“Are you alright?” I asked. “Do you have a problem with high blood pressure?”

“My blood pressure is just fine”, he explained. “325 over 280, very normal.”

“Wait here while I call you an ambulance”, I said.

But as I turned my back, he belly bumped me back into my house. When I turned around, I saw they he had followed me inside and was now standing in my front room.

“Hey look at that sandwich!” he exclaimed. And then he picked it up and took a huge bite.

“Who the heck are you”? I demanded.

“The name is Ollie, Ollie Inflation”, he said.

“Well Inflation, you just ate my lunch”, I barked.

“And it was delicious”, Ollie exclaimed. “I hope dinner is just as tasty.”

“Dinner! Oh no, you are not staying for dinner. You are leaving right now”, I insisted.

“Afraid not”, said Ollie. “Most people think I won’t show up, but once I arrive I tend to stay awhile and I’m very difficult to get rid of.”

“But you are so rude and demanding”, I pleaded.

“Yes, you are correct sir”, he explained. “Most people find me very difficult to live with.”

Then Ollie went over to the wine cabinet and started to chug-a-lug a very expensive bottle of cabernet. He cranked the air-conditioner up and plopped down in front of the television and ordered a pay-per-view movie.

“What do you think you are doing?” I yelled “Dude, money doesn’t grow on trees.”

“Oh yes it does”, Ollie said with a smile. “At least the paper version is made from trees. I was just down at the mint printing money like mad with my buddies Tim and Ben. That reminds me do you have a towel? We were working so fast I got green ink all over my hands.”

“So you printed so much money that you made a mess. And now you are here in my house!” I exclaimed.

“And I will have an impact in every room of this house, including the garage”, he boasted. Your food will cost more, your entertainment will cost more, and your clothes will cost more.

“At least you won’t have an impact in the bedroom”, I protested.

“Don’t be so sure, Ollie said. Guys who worry too much about me might be subject to certain deflationary conditions and once you complain to your wife that she’s spending too much money, you might not even get that far. I am going to cost you dearly my man.”

“But I can’t afford you”, I interrupted. “I am barely making ends meet now.”

“Not my problem”, said Ollie. “Perhaps you should find a higher paying job.”

“Are you crazy?” I exclaimed. “Unemployment is still very high and wages aren’t going up.”

“Then it looks like you are going to have to get by with less”, he said. “Are we having pie with dinner? I’m getting very, very hungry!”

“You are pushy and persistent and you are really putting the squeeze on my finances. Why are you bothering me?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s not just you, said Ollie. “My cousins and I are visiting every house on the block. Well, every house except for G. Gordon Liddy’s. He put up that nasty golden hedge. Inflations absolutely hate those hedges.”

Inflation then ran around the room taking a bite out of or ripping a piece from everything in its path.

I started to clean up Ollie’s mess when he walked past me with a stack of dollar bills.

“Hey, where are going with my money?” I demanded.

“I have to take a dump and I couldn’t find the toilet paper”, he explained. “These should work just fine.”

A few minutes later, Ollie yelled out from the bathroom, “Hey, do you have any tens and twenties? It’s going to be a big one.”

It’s going to be a big one indeed.

No comments:

Post a Comment