Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Beware the Devil Woman

This is the story of one man’s attempt at the pursuit of happiness and how it contributed to the Great Recession.

I won’t forget the first time I saw her. Bleached blond hair, heaving breasts, tight jeans, packaged all so right. You couldn’t miss her. I just stared at her from a distance, instantly realizing that she was oh so attractive and oh so out of my league.

I quickly passed by for a closer look when suddenly she spun around and said “Like what you see?”

I stood mesmerized, unable to speak a single word.

“Shy, I like that”, she cooed as she winked and bit down seductively on her puffy lower lip.

I still just stood there staring into her big blue eyes.

“My name’s Becky, Becky Housing, and I can make all your dreams come true”, she said.

“But I don’t think I can afford you”, I replied. “I mean I don’t think my assets are big enough to satisfy your requirements.”

“Oh don’t worry about that”, she said. “We will try a position I call “subprime”. It will give me all the pleasure I need and will be absolutely tantric for you.” 
She's a brick ---- house!

Then she slowly slid her hand down my body and squeezed my most private part ---my wallet.

Wow! She was a prime piece of real estate and I wanted in.

It felt so good being with Becky and my net worth continued to increase all because of her. There seemed to be no limit to the heights she could take me and it appeared to me that her assets actually grew more attractive every time that I saw her.

My friends marveled at my new found love. I was so in love with Becky and she had told me the truth: She was making all my dreams come true.

And she was so sexy and mysterious. When we had relations, the lights were always turned off. Becky said it was better for her if I was kept in the dark. I didn’t care, it was the best stuff I ever had.

I knew I had found true love and financial bliss and she kept taking my portfolio to higher and higher climaxes. I was determined to ride Becky wherever she wanted to take me.

But I was at work when I heard the news. There was a report that something very bad had happened to Becky. Some sort of “crash” that was related to this subprime method.

I rushed home and there was Becky lying motionless on the floor. Her fake breasts had ruptured and fluid was pouring out of her body and steaming out the door. Likewise liquid flowed from her fake lips. The beautiful hair was really a wig that was now lying on the floor beside her. I now realized that everything about Becky had been false. And incredibly, she wasn’t even a woman.

And it was even worse than that. There was this awful stench. It turns out her assets were toxic. I ran out the front door to warn my neighbors, but it was too late. To my horror I found out that other guys on the block had been secretly involved with some of Becky’s many sisters. One poor guy was involved in a threesome with Cindy Housing and Fannie Mae. He didn’t even realize that Fannie Mae would give it up cheap to just about anybody.

Now there was such a stream of toxic assets flowing down the street that it even destroyed the houses of people that never were involved with Becky and her sisters. It caused a chain reaction of pandemonium. Many people lost their homes. Many people lost their jobs. Some people lost both.

If only I could have resisted the allure of Becky Housing, my life and the lives of other would be so much better now.


  1. Very good, I am concerned about Becky's relatives in areas other than housing.

  2. Yeowza! I don't know whether to light up a smoke or take a cold shower after reading this! I didn't know economics could be so racy!